Stop The Internal Fire of Self-Oppression

I recently heard a beautiful analogy for the those in power who use oppression to control others. "They are like fire. A fire will never ask for less fuel. It always wants more. The more you give it, the bigger it gets and the more it wants. Eventually, when you try to put it out, you'll get burned."

This resonated with me in an unexpected and powerful way.

Have you ever said, "I need to beat myself up a little to get myself motivated," or "I need to feel guilty or bad about what I've done so I change my behavior?" Or have you ever used punishment and shame to elicit behavioral change from others? It's a natural part of our society. In our global society there is a shared idea that punishment changes "bad" behavior and love enables it. Yet, when governments do this to control their people, we feel the need to stand up against it. We risk getting burned in order to fight the fire and put it out.

Stop. Wait. So... we don't allow others to do it to us, but we're okay doing it to ourselves and other people?

Even those we trust to lead us to be our best selves can sometimes use guilt and shame as motivators. So why wouldn't we use them on ourselves... it is how we think it has to be... right? Then, it would make logical sense for us to use the same punishment, guilt, and shame to elicit change in other people because... well... it is the only way... right?

No. There HAS to be another way because, otherwise we wouldn't risk getting burned by the fire of power, control, and oppression in order to put it out. How can we stop this internal fire of self-oppression? Fighting it with more self-punishment, guilt, and shame feed the fire the fuel it craves. It grows and grows and continues to burn us, again and again.

Love.

Ironically, at the core of every human struggle is the need for love. Some might say that power, acceptance, money, freedom, religion, or safety might be at the core of a particular struggle. But these are really just ways in which love is manifested. For example, if we have power we feel as though those who put us in power are showing love (sometimes in the form of fear); we get money as a form of appreciation (love) or we garner respect (love) from others because we have money... and so on. What if we start with the love? What if we realize that the love we are seeking is already available to us and we don't need to start the fire to begin with?

Think of a behavior you want to change for yourself. I am willing to bet that just the thought of "needing" to make that change comes with an instant flood of shame for, and guilt about, not being "good" enough. What happens if you shift your attention away from thinking about the behavior and focus on the feeling you want to feel once it has changed. What is that feeling? Is it freedom? Is it acceptance? Is it safety? Is it... love?

Expand that feeling in your body. Let it fill your whole existence. Literally just feel the feeling.

You did that. You attained the feeling you are seeking without having to change anything. So... if that is already available to you, you can access it to empower the change you want instead of pushing, guilting, and shaming yourself to change the behavior. When you activate that love, you then get to decide what steps you want to take rather than determining what steps you "need" to take.

Once we learn how to do this for ourselves, we are able to do this with others. We will be able to use love to elicit behavioral changes in our children, partners, co-workers, group members, citizens, etc. instead of power, control, punishment, guilt and shame. The light of love makes the fire of oppression unnecessary; because, quite frankly, it burns brighter and cooler than any fire ever could.

#leadwithlove